Amarillo's On My Mind...

It's been four weeks today since my Dad passed away and it's hard to say exactly what I feel about it.  My first reaction when I think about him is this little sick feeling in my stomach because of how much I miss him.  Sometimes I am going through my day having normal thoughts and I think about him and ask myself, "Did all of that really happen?".  "No, surely not."  For those who don't know the story I'll tell you briefly:  About two years ago my Dad was diagnosed with laryngeal cancer.  He had been a smoker for several years.  They tried radiation but that didn't work.  Last May he had a laryngectomy during which they removed his whole voice box and rerouted his breathing through a stoma (hole) in his neck.  They removed much of the cancer and were hopeful for a recovery.  He had a rough year with many complications.  In April of this year they found out the cancer had come back.  His immune system at this point wasn't the greatest and there were several other issues.  Basically there wasn't much left that they could do.  At the end he was comfortable and well cared for at an Alive Hospice Center.  My Dad passed away on May 23, 2010.  He was 53 years old.  

The last time I talked to my Dad in person was two weeks before he went to the hospice center.  He declined quickly in the last week and I did not get to talk to him again while he was conscious.  I have no doubt that he knew I loved him.  However, there are so many things that I wish I could have said to him.  Some seem like silly, little things, but are very important in my memories that I have of him.  I would like to have been able to tell him:

~Thank you for my appreciation for music and for the way that I am moved by the lyrics.  I would have liked to listen to Amarillo by Morning with you one more time.
~Thank you for always giving me advice even at the times I didn't want to hear it.  Because of that I know you cared. 
~Thank you for always telling me to wear my seat belt, drive the speed limit, watch what was going on around me, and make sure I get my oil changed.  I know you wanted me to be safe. 
~Thank you for your generous, unselfish heart.  I know you gave me money when there wasn't much to give. 
~I'm proud of your athletic abilities and I am thankful that you passed a little bit, even if only just the love of the game, to me.
~I'm proud because of the many people who look up to you and all the lives that you touched in the community.
~I'm thankful for your faith in God and the many prayers that you prayed for your family.  I know that you weren't always dealt the easiest cards in life and in so many ways you made the best of it. 

These are some of the things I would have liked to have said to my Dad.  I'm sure he knew.  It's just hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I can't call him or hug him or see him when I come home.  I know, though, that he is at peace and that is what I have to hold on to.  I will hold these memories in my heart and know that one day I will see him again.  That little sick feeling in my stomach will probably not be going away any time soon but that's ok.  Sorrow and loss are inevitable in this life.  I will spend this Father's Day and probably many more thinking about him and missing him.  I will also, however, spend those days remembering that I had a Daddy who loved me and who gave so much of himself.  I can only be thankful for that.  Happy Father's Day, Daddy.  You are missed.